CONNECTEDNESS

There’s an old saying, “The burden we bear alone is twice as hard to carry.”

Being connected makes the difference.

When I was a child my mom and I would walk a long way to the grocery store. It was hard to keep up unless she would hold my hand. When she did, somehow her energy would be transmitted to me, and it was easier to go the distance.

As Claudia Gold reveals in her excellent post:

 “Connectedness . . . protects us against the harmful effects of stress.” 

And connectedness is needed by adults as well as children. When my seven kids were little, there were days when the thought of cleaning the house weighed on me like a sack of bricks.

Shoveling mud uphill daily was a constant activity. But if I knew that someone I liked was coming over, the work breezed by. It was the anticipation of a supportive friend being there that made the work easier to accomplish, even fun. 

Just the IDEA of being connected to someone can make a positive difference!

Gabor Mate speaks about the need for ATTACHMENT.  He says, “Children who feel abandoned will abandon their authenticity for the sake of an attachment.”

Why?

Because unconsciously every child knows they can’t survive without someone taking care of them.

That also explains the truth in what a wise mother once told me, “Never yell at your kids, because they will start to lie.” The fear of abandonment is so real, they’d rather hide their true feelings than be rejected.

If you’re someone who has failed at connecting with others, think about whether you’ve learned to sacrificed your own authenticity in order to “go along to get along”. This in turn can lead to you dismissing other people’s feelings, too, as if to say, “Hey –  I wasn’t allowed to feel that way, so you shouldn’t either!”

The cure for this is to develop a capacity for empathy for yourself. Then you will be more willing to allow for the foibles and failings of others, understand that it’s OK to be human, and to have feelings. 

To learn self acceptance you will need to find someone who will listen and respond without judgement. Otherwise you’ll be in the same leaky boat as before, trying to convince them of the person you think they think you should be. And you won’t feel ‘safe’ to be yourself.

This is all unconscious programming in kids. Some things are more ‘caught than taught’.

Bottom line? A good relationship requires Authentic Connectedness.

Say what you mean, but don’t say it mean.

You throw the ball to me.

I throw it back.

Simple, right? It’s a fun game if you allow it to be.

And yet sometimes we forget to ‘catch the ball’, much less ‘throw it back’!

To have real communication, or ‘connectedness’ with our friends, children, or spouse, we need to establish a good rapport.

That happens by SEEING, LISTENING, and RESPONDING to them.

We express connectedness through EYE CONTACT, BODY LANGUAGE and KIND WORDS…

To truly understand what another says, we need to FEEL, and SENSE what our instincts are saying at the same time as we hear the words.

When your ears hear the words, your brain PROCESSES the information using our thinking, feeling and instinctive centers to understand it.

For a relationship to grow positively and allow for authenticity, think before you speak:

Is it loving? Is it kind? Is it helpful?

When you communicate, make an effort to combine your MIND, HEART and INSTINCTS to really connect with others. It’s a great ‘people skill’ that gets better with practice!

Ruth Elliott-Hilsdon
Director, EDU DESIGNS
Creator, GoMommyGO® 

Kids and Parents need all the help they can get.

EDU DESIGNS and GoMommyGO® are there to help.

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